19 Dec 2003, 4:14pm
First thing that Saddam Hussein said when they dragged him out of his hole; "Did I beat David Blaine's record?"
Humour, just thought I'd share
19 Dec 2003, 4:22pm
Utterly dispicable Mark. But quite funny none the less.
If you've got that much time on your hands, take a look at this just sent to me by my boss's boss.
http://www.freshsensation.com/samorost.swf
Warning: very frustrating and addictive - but with a bit of problem solving nous you should have it sorted in about 10 minutes. Turn sound on for the full effect.
If you've got that much time on your hands, take a look at this just sent to me by my boss's boss.
http://www.freshsensation.com/samorost.swf
Warning: very frustrating and addictive - but with a bit of problem solving nous you should have it sorted in about 10 minutes. Turn sound on for the full effect.
10 Feb 2004, 11:59am
FROM QUANTAS AIRLINES:
After every Quantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of
paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which
the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of
that plane can review the form before taking off. Never let it be said that
ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual logged maintenance complaints and responses where P = the problem
logged by the pilot, and S = the solution and action taken by engineers.
Quantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an
accident!!!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in c0ckpit.
S: Something tightened in c0ckpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volumes set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to Stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in c0ckpit.
S: Cat installed
Nothing new, but reminds me of my kitcar build
After every Quantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of
paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which
the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of
that plane can review the form before taking off. Never let it be said that
ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual logged maintenance complaints and responses where P = the problem
logged by the pilot, and S = the solution and action taken by engineers.
Quantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an
accident!!!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in c0ckpit.
S: Something tightened in c0ckpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volumes set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to Stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in c0ckpit.
S: Cat installed
Nothing new, but reminds me of my kitcar build
10 Feb 2004, 2:45pm
A new reality gameshow hosted by Ant & Dec.
Live from Morcombe Bay . . . . . 'I'm a Chinese Cockle Picker, GET ME OUT OF HERE!'
Live from Morcombe Bay . . . . . 'I'm a Chinese Cockle Picker, GET ME OUT OF HERE!'
10 Feb 2004, 3:42pm
2 Sharks.
One turns to the other and says "I'm fed up with fish, let's go to Morcombe Bay for Chinese"
One turns to the other and says "I'm fed up with fish, let's go to Morcombe Bay for Chinese"
11 Feb 2004, 11:39am
Meanest Dog in the World
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down
and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have
5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog
won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the
world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,
which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were
1" thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking
animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with
the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out
of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog
snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but
when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its
mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his
dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years
with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the
biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons
working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a sausage dog."
What is it about Morecombe and the Chinese? I've been away too long obviously
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down
and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have
5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog
won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the
world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings,
which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest,
meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were
1" thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking
animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with
the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out
of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog
snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but
when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its
mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his
dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years
with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the
biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons
working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a sausage dog."
What is it about Morecombe and the Chinese? I've been away too long obviously
11 Feb 2004, 3:57pm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/3464203.stm
Sorry to say that I don't find it that ammusing.
Sorry to say that I don't find it that ammusing.
11 Feb 2004, 8:15pm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/3464203.stm
Sorry to say that I don't find it that ammusing.
Sorry to say that I don't find it that ammusing.
Sorry!
Sick jokes are easy to come by!
18 Feb 2004, 11:31pm
[quote=LexSport]http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/3464203.stm
Sorry to say that I don't find it that ammusing.
Sorry to say that I don't find it that ammusing.
Sorry!
Sick jokes are easy to come by![/quote]I must be sick 'cos I PMSL.
25 Feb 2004, 11:40pm
What’s the difference between a Brussel-sprout and a bogie?
26 Feb 2004, 10:17am
26 Feb 2004, 11:52am
You can get a kid to eat a bogie! 
26 Feb 2004, 12:49pm
very very poor joke Den, the sort the christmas cracker manufacturers turn away. 
No more pleeeeeeese.John
Madabout-kitcars.com
26 Feb 2004, 1:09pm
It wasn’t that sick, was it?
I’m off to see my shrink!
Den.
I’m off to see my shrink!
Den.
26 Feb 2004, 3:01pm
Not sick, this ones sick.....
Cannibal to his mate....
"That's it, I can't take it any more, I've got to dump my girlfriend"
Sorreee.
John
Cannibal to his mate....
"That's it, I can't take it any more, I've got to dump my girlfriend"
Sorreee.
John
11 May 2004, 2:59pm